25th January, 2011. 2:41 am. The Ravings: January 24, 2011 - Arrogance
I've noticed that the way I relate to others is very, very elitist. (I can hear it now: it took you that long to realize you're a dick, Michael? No, I knew I was a dick. I just didn't really understand why until now.)
The mentality I have is founded on a superiority complex (which is compensating for an utter lack of self-esteem, mind you) and it's extremely aristocratic and condescending. I want to lift people up. That's my shtick. I look for people who are less fortunate than I am and I try to improve their situation. I consider this a privilege and a duty: it's not something I can stop doing. It's who I am, and what I am.
Which makes it extremely hard for me to relate to people as equals. I struggle to do so, but I'm simply not good at it and I never have been. I was like this in elementary school, guys. I'm not good at commiserating actively. I'm terrible at sharing others' joys and hopes. So as a result, I've built this aloof complex that sort of sits around and waits for an opportunity to actually DO something.
I am terribly afraid of depending on other people as a result of this. I'm not allowed to have weaknesses, to have real vulnerabilities. I have to pretend everything is going well if only to make sure no one else is burdened by me. The very thought that I might make things worse for anyone else is actively painful to me. I cannot stand it.
The only really redeeming part of all this is that, in trying to do good, I'm actually succeeding every now and then. And even when I'm failing, I'm actively looking for ways to do it better, to be more effective, to restrain myself when it's a bad time and to reach out when it's a good time. I try. And that's the only thing that makes any of this at all okay.
I've been aware of parts of this for a long time. Different facets and such: this is really the basis of my depression, I think. Because my identity is tied to something that is difficult and often even wrong, and I hate myself for it and for my inability to transcend that. I feel painfully inhuman. Non-functional. Useless. Pointless. Worthless.
It's something very much like arrogance, but from where I stand, it's something closer to desperation.
25th January, 2011. 2:36 am. Reopening.
I'm not planning to post regularly, or even often, but I figured something out tonight that deserves a post and this is the best forum for it. So. Next post.
6th July, 2010. 9:04 pm. The Ravings: July 6, 2010 - The Last Page
My name is Michael Chui.
I am a believer. In what? Anything, really. Nothing.
This is my story.
I watch and observe. I choose something impossible. I give it everything. I fail.
I say it was worth it. Every drop I gave, it was worth it.
I did the right thing. Every time. Perhaps not in the details; I was not perfect. But on the scale of months and years? I did well enough. I made it above average. I did enough. I tried.
What's that worth? That's a stupid question; I respond, to who? To me? To you?
What do you think?
This journal is closed.
[edit:] I got asked if this was a suicide note. Which is a completely understandable conclusion, all things considered.
The answer is no.
26th June, 2010. 1:58 pm.
17. A Mathematician Reads the Newspaper
I'd actually use this as a supplemental textbook for the age of 10, I think. Use it as a TOC and spin off topics to discuss, with daily analyses of media stories. Would be fun.
22nd June, 2010. 9:33 am.
"Some of you may have heard in the last few days that our beloved Emeritus Professor Spencer Shaw passed away last week at the age of 93."
He was cool. Watching him talk about children's literature with his steady, passionate voice was always a pleasure.http://spencergshaw.org/
20th June, 2010. 10:44 pm.
10:43:08 PM Michael Chui: I GOT IT.
10:43:22 PM Michael Chui: "Even the Devil believes in God. But the Devil has no faith in him."
16th June, 2010. 11:53 pm.
This is apparently only up for a couple of days:http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00snrk4/The_Museum_of_Curiosity_Series_3_Episode_6/
"Everybody should have a hobby that could kill them."
Maybe I should start driving.
Sarah Millican's story is great. I'm kinda disappointed I can't transcribe it well enough without the delivery.
14th June, 2010. 9:24 pm.
Free servers for hackers or small companies. Limited quantity.
Seems like a good deal. You'll probably want to read the legalese and the actual support commitment being made, but other than that... free is free.
13th June, 2010. 1:11 am.
Game. Set. Match.
Of course, it doesn't surprise me at all that the metric for ROI is measured in dollars. That's what counts, amirite?